Animal Instincts

I’d be lying if I wasn’t nervous. The human body and mind is very powerful, it can sometimes work with us and sometimes work against us. 

Our brains have evolved into a fascinating piece of hardware. Inside it’s hardware, a certain software runs. This is you, or me in this case.

I have read some chapters and spoken to alot of people about being a father. It’s a task that has been etched into my genes ever since I myself was created. That’s where my nerves start to disappear. I know that when the time comes I will somehow automatically know what to do. 

It isn’t maturity and it isn’t intellect, it’s instinct. This instinct is the same that has survived centuries on our planet. It’s the very purpose some believe we are here ,to procreate. 

I have no worries when it comes to being a father, I trust my instincts and I trust my genes. 

There is some instincts that I have struggled with though, and that’s the fight or flight response. This allowed our ancestors to flee in danger, and fight when faced with certain death. 

We control our environment in the modern world now, so these threats have been placed in zoos or exterminated when they take a bite out of someone at the local beach. It’s not the way we originally inhabitated this planet, so our responses have found new threats in the environment. 

This environment isn’t real though, it’s real in terms of molecules but it’s not real in terms of danger. 

My instincts can’t tell the difference, because my anxiety comes from a work or office environment. I have no genes or instincts to help me in this fabricated world, so I like many others struggle in modern life. 

As we continue to control our environment and create this fabricated world within worlds, many people are starting to be affected by this transition. 

It has a name and it’s becoming the latest celebrity craze, mental health issues.

It’s not our fault though, our instincts and built in software has never had to face such things until now. 

One thing is true and comforting though, as we humans strive to understand our mental health issues we we slowly etch these tools into our genes and pass them onto our children’s children. Eventually the very calmness and automatic nature of being a father will be the same when approaching a proposed threat in society. 

It will take many many years, but as I become a father and place a new human in this world, I can do my part to educate and give tools and strategies to my child to cope with the world at large. 

Educating people on the signs of mental health issues is important to find the sources, which I believe is a environment that we never evolved for. 

~Brad.

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The Circle of Life.

“Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results”.

I read somewhere that this was said by Albert Einstein, maybe it was and maybe it wasn’t.. The words ring true for me, I have jumped from job to job trying to find my place but once again I find myself back at the start.

The same feelings and frustrations I have had in other jobs I face again now, my anxiety didn’t help when this happened once and it started a chain reaction that took me from the normal life we all live. It took me to a dark place, a place without answers. I was trapped in my own mind and the weight of anxiety pushed hard on me.

I crumbled.

The circle is almost complete, because I am back at the moment right before i crumbled. This time I have some extra chemical assistance and I am armed with many techniques to make sure I don’t fall back into that dark place again.

I know I won’t fall back into the dark place and I know I have so many options, but which one do I take? I said to myself this was my last attempt at making this job work. I think I have exhausted this job.

I walk through the corridors, I walk through the streets feeling like an outsider. The buildings above me, lean over and look down on me. When I look up they straighten, but I know they are watching. They watch me to see if I do belong here. I certainly feel like I don’t.

When I left high school and thought I found what i wanted to do with my life, the path before me was clear. I am now on that path and I want to get off. I am looking so far in the distance for a crossroad, I even want to make my own but I am not sure which way to go.

The current plan is complete one more exam and certify myself for another three years. In 3 years I don’t want to be doing IT though, I close my eyes and I see that I am not really helping anyone here. The ‘job’ is not natural to humans, it doesn’t feel natural to me.

I need more, I need it like I need water.

The road from birth to I was 24 was straight and narrow, the path was clear. Somehow I got onto a hamster wheel and it’s still going.

It circles over and over.

It’t not a ride, its not a good ride.

Its a trap. It’s an illusion.

The crossroad is close, I can feel it but how can I find it if I have no idea what it looks like?

~Brad.

 

 

 

 

Status Report

Something has happened. There was a moment when I was in the thick of it, the face of fear.

It happened about 2 months ago.

I was in familiar territory and I had pushed myself forward to the very thing that could either destroy me or cure me. I had a simple reaction to choose that day.

Fight or Flight?

I can tell you I fought, I went forward into the unknown and I became more powerful that I ever thought I could. I am now through the worst of it and day by day I am getting stronger.

Endless possibilities have opened up in my mind, the shackles are free and the prison of my mind has been opened.

Its a long journey ahead, its not over. It is a day by day, moment by moment type of exercise you see.

If you are facing a fear, a fear that has crippled you and imprisoned you then when you are ready.

Confront it.

~Brad.

 

 

 

 

The Steel Door.

Some time has past. I have returned to the road where I found the three doors.

I always take the door with no door. Its so familiar, so easy. I know what to expect before and after.

I’m safe.

But, today and for the rest of my life and I am going to walk through the steel door.

Its so heavy and so much effort to open. It takes all my energy and everything of who I am to open it. The blood rushes to my muscles, I grip tightly on the handle.

It’s cold.

It’s coarse.

It’s unknown.

My fingers are alive, my heart is pumping. My thoughts race like a bullet train, images flash before my minds eye. I predict, I analyse. I worry.

I am alive.

I pull the door open, and beyond it is everything I ever wanted. It’s right there. It’s been there the whole time. All I had to do was reach out and grab it.

It’s so simple when you step back from your thoughts. Your thoughts don’t exist. They are images, pulse of electricity, imagination, love, fear.

They are there to protect you.

But more importantly, they are there to push you.

I have now walked through the door. I am in this new space.

The old ways, feel so long ago.

I am free. I am me.

I wanted to be that person, before the fear, before the anxiety. But, the anxiety and fear is me. It, like everything I ever wanted has always been there the whole time.

I can’t stop now, I have gone too far.

The hole is so far away, its echo’s are gone. The fog is gone.

Now, in front of me is as clear as our atmosphere at night. The stars, the light that burns for millions and billions of years are visible.  Its energy radiates, its power inspires. There is so many stars I cannot see, like opportunities I missed long ago.

If you wait long enough, your eyes will adjust. the light, appears.

I am made of that stuff.

I am a creation of the universe.

I am the creator of my universe.

I am my creator.

The steel door…..

its not heavy any more.

 

~Brad.

 

 

 

 

Butterflies

Things are about to change, I can feel it. First my hands tremble and a lump in my throat appears. I feel threatened. I feel exposed.

Why do we feel this way during change?

Once, many many sunrises ago, our ancestors needed the tremble. They needed the fear to survive. Without it, I wouldn’t be here writing this, you wouldn’t be here reading this. The dinosaurs have left us, but the energy, the threat has not. They come in suits, they come in flashing lights, they come as a doctor reading some bad news, or they come as a fire in the night.

When the butterflies appear, they only last a while. Its not just greener on the other side, its bliss. The rush you get from heading straight through your fear, that’s what gets you coming back.

Push forward, don’t ignore, don’t delay and don’t avoid. It’s what feeds the dinosaur. If you feed it too much, it gets too big.

Butterflies, they only live a day.

~Brad.

 

 

 

 

 

Step Up

I been doing the same role for almost 9 years. Its a support role, so helping people and fixing problems.

I like it because I like to solve problems, I like to troubleshoot. I like to come across something that has never been seen before, discover and gather data and then try and resolve the issue.

I used to work as a Network Engineer for an integrator. That role was more projects and deploying networks. I left that role to go back to support because I wasn’t really ready to design networks and be a consultant. I don’t know much about business to be honest and that is a major driver in network design. You need to take business requirements and turn them into technical solutions.

I was in a support role and we had an integrator come in and he was doing some voice work for us. We got to chatting and I told him my history of working in projects and going back to support. He said to me, I can’t believe you would go back to support! At the time though I was happy.

So, its been nearly 9 years. I have done on call for about 7 years of that. On call isn’t my favourite thing to be honest. I feel like I have done my on call now. I feel like its time to move on. I feel like its time to step up.

About 7 months ago, I was in a hole. The kind of hole that you grow a moustache for in November. I wasn’t motivated and my career goals I had forgotten. I wasn’t in a good spot. This was also the second time I was here.

You get to a stage when you have exhausted all though processes, you have analysed everything and there is nowhere to go. That is when you need to go and seek help.

I did…

It was a tough road, as it always is and I am still on that road. But now, I have my motivation back. My goals are energized, I sit here trying to work out how I can achieve them. What can I do right now to realise my career goals.

I’m hungry god damn it. I want to work again. I want to learn again. I want to push myself again.

I want to complete my goals and I want to be the person I was destined to become.

I’m not just going to step up…no.

I am going to stand up and never sit down again.

~Brad.

 

 

 

 

Medium Rare

Last night I did something different. I was invited to a steak cooking class as a customer of a company called Dicker Data. There was two tickets but I was the only one who could make it.

I didn’t know anyone but I decided what the hell. From my days on Contiki and going to Instagram walks I am used to going to places by myself and making friends. Shit, I have even been to Disneyland by myself!

I had to take a bus I have never taken before, so I left work about five minutes early and walked to bus stop 95a. There was a huge line of people waiting to the bus, so lucky I got there early.

Moments later a bus arrives, it wasn’t the 113 as I had hoped but a Queensland Uni shuttle, the line started to move. I noticed everyone was getting in this bus, and I was getting closer to the door. I suddenly realised this line was for this specific bus and I quickly moved aside and pretended like I knew what I was doing.

So, by myself and getting a little nervous about attending said Steak Night the bus arrives, the 113. The door opens and the bus driver says “One minute, just doing changeover” and then kind of signals to me, but it was too late I was halfway in the door when it shuts on me. No serious damage just a second hit to the already damaged and nervous ego.

I stand and wait for bus door to open, once again pretending I know what I am doing.

I jump on and we are on our way.

I have lived in Brisbane for over four years and there is a lot I haven’t seen. This bus took me through underground tunnels and various twists and turns. The scenery was different and a breath of fresh air to be honest, I kind of felt like I was travelling a new city, a new country.

I arrived at the hotel thirty minutes early ( I hate being late) and got myself a beer. I sat on a lonely single table, but that’s ok I like my own company, I like my own thoughts.

It is quite exhilarating putting yourself out to the unknown, I think you learn a lot about yourself.

Eventually guests arrived and one gentleman came up and introduced himself. He was in a suit, but real friendly and we got to talking all things business and tech.

Granted I didn’t understand everything he was talking about in terms of business but I thought I kept up well. I am sure he was none the wiser.

We eventually moved over to the bigger table where the class was setup to begin and I met and spoke with various customers and enjoyed a few drinks. The presentation was very informative and I learnt that You Tube doesn’t know how to cook a steak, so I look forward to giving this technique a go.

The night ended and I was on my way home and I reflected on what had happened. As usual I tend to over-think situations and predict the future and when you do that enough and try to avoid the situation Mr.Anxiety starts to creep up and say hello.

The power and I guess, you could say enlightenment I felt was welcomed and all because I decided to open myself up to the unknown. The night was a success and I am really glad I attended and made so new contacts.

So in closing, I, you, we have to take a chance. We have to give it a go because you never know what will happen, open yourself up to change and possibility and get into that deep end.

So instead of just being well done, try something different and try something rare, you never know where it may lead you.

~Brad.